I'm Having More Fun Than You by Karo Aaron

Author:Karo, Aaron [Karo, Aaron]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: It Books
Published: 2009-08-27T00:00:00+00:00

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THE WORLD OF BRIAN AND BLAKE

When I lived with Brian—and, by extension, Blake as well—she would make his lunch every day and they would go to bed by 10 p.m. at the latest. Their one source of excitement? Watching reruns of King of Queens with Kevin James. When I’d question him about it, Brian would always say, “Karo, leave me alone. I live my life in syndication.”

* * *

After Brian told me that he and Blake would soon be moving in with each other, I began to wonder if, in his mind, he was already married and living in the suburbs. One day, I borrowed his keys and noticed that on his keychain were rows and rows of those little plastic bar code tags that you can swipe at the drugstore, the supermarket, Costco, etc. People are always telling me that I’m turning into my dad. But I never realized that Brian was turning into my mom.

Shortly after Brian and I parted ways and I moved into a studio a few blocks away, I had some friends over to booze and christen my new apartment. Everyone brought the requisite sixer. When Brian arrived with Blake, I noticed he was carrying a bottle of champagne. Immediately, I sensed something was amiss. Brian would never shell out for a bottle of bubbly just because I got a new place. Instinctively, I glanced over at Blake—and happened to spot a rock on her finger. And that’s when I figured out that Brian had gotten engaged. Holy shit! A diamond ring? Dom Perignon? At age twenty-six? What happened to the Brian we all knew and loved? Then he whipped out some cheap plastic champagne glasses and I thought, “Oh, there he is.”

As an engaged man, Brian’s testicles quickly retracted. He once made the unfortunate mistake of traveling to Europe with a buddy and leaving an outgoing voicemail message that said: “I will be out of the country for two weeks. If you need immediate assistance, please contact my fiancée.” Holy. Fucking. Shit. How could he leave a message like that? When Brian returned home he had about twenty-five voicemails from the boys requesting “assistance” from Blake for, among other sexual favors, “kissing my ass.”

Though the beginning of their relationship left an indelible impression on me, I’m happy to report that Brian and Blake are doing quite well. I’ve wondered, however, how Brian and I could know each other for so long, graduate from similar colleges, get similar jobs, move in together, and, eight years later, he could end up married and content and I could end up single and hungover. It gives new meaning to the nature versus nurture argument. Apparently, Brian was predisposed to marriage, because if he were influenced in any way by the environment I created in our apartment, he would still be my wingman. Instead, he’s thinking about having kids and I’m thinking I could use another beer.

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